This is an example of a door knocker, it was invented in 1900’s when people could only see in black and white because we hadn’t invented colour yet. An example of a black and white door knocker can be found at the British Museum in Dongchester

In the UK you needed a TV Licence from the BBC, not just to watch TV, you needed it to see everything in Black and White or Colour, you could get a Black and White licence if you were blind, but as long as your guide dog didn’t watch the snooker with colour, if you were caught you had to upgrade to colour even though it was only your dog that watched the snooker, even though it never woofed which ball was hit by the cue ball, so had to secretly give it cheaper dog food and hope it didn’t notice. The lady next door explained that there was a colour knob behind a little flap and she’d turned it so it was Black and White all the time and you hoped the dog never saw that smirk, which of course, the dog never let on

Mr. Ding Dong of Dongchester invented the impressive “ding dong” system, instead of taking off your gloves and bashing your bare knuckle on a door, Mr. Dong invented a system where you could keep your gloves on and press a button. Doors up and down the country were so impressed as they didn’t have to make that wooden sounding knock anymore, they all breathed a sigh of relieve that Mr. Dong had created his invention

Tacky doorbells were invented later on with a random sound just to confuse you. More popular models just do “ding dong” after all you don’t want to hear Christmas tunes from your doorbell in the summer, now do you? Mr. Dong died before he created a time and date chip to his invention, his son eventually created it, this prevented you from hearing Christmas tunes when it wasn’t actually Christmas, the rest of the year it just went “Ding Dong”

Thanks to the Year 2000 bug, idiots up and down the country, now believe that thousands and thousands of doorbells now do absolutely nothing or think it’s gone back to 1980. They believe they are just inert buttons that do nothing. But no, it’s just you that can’t be bothered putting new batteries into your Ding Dong, sorry doorbell as they are now known as. Mr. Ding Dong lost the patent to calling his invention Ding Dong, so the term doorbell was invented, although only rare models actually made a Ding Dong bell sound

You can find out what sound your doorbell makes by pressing the button on your front door – keeping the door open and are close enough to the secondary doorbell unit (known as the “ding donger”)

In the 1980’s there was wire between the button and the doorbell unit, meaning husbands up and down the country were trying to drill little holes to get the wire from the door frame to the doorbell unit, these units were usually made of white plastic with a black bell in the centre, making that bell but not “ding dong” sound we all now know

Women attempted to use a drill to drill this little hole but that drill could find a water pipe anywhere, some drills are awkward and know the difference between a male and female operator – but get confused if you don’t have fake nails, but if you had a Yorkie bar, at the time a chocolate bar for men, sometimes you’d be lucky and just electrocuted yourself – they just think it’s funny to misbehave for women to make them waste money on getting a man to do the job instead, not to mention getting a plumber and get help locating the stop cock to avoid flooding. It was also rumoured that having a box of Milk Tray delivered by a strange man also helped the drill find that water pipe, although he did leave a card which said “The stopcock is under the sink x” nobody would work out if his name was X or it was a kiss, but at least you had some chocolates for later when you swore about the amount of money you just had to pay

Men who were plumbers and electricians just lied and pretended to be just one of them, so women couldn’t get the two for one offer on their website and had to wait for a plumber and electrician, even though it was the same man with a fake moustache, yeah she knew it was a fake moustache – you had your tea with two sugars like the “last man” and you drunk your second tea from the same mug, you idiot and you said you supported the same team while reading the back page of that newspaper you keep between your butt cheeks

Some of these doorbell buttons had a light inside in case you had forgotten to bring your candle with you and couldn’t find where the pesky button actually was. At the time it was essential to have your candle and matches with you at all times. Buttons now don’t have this light but people still ignore the button and knock, causing thousands of doors to go unanswered every day in the UK alone. Also people now look at the time when their doorbell goes and always ask “Don’t you know what time it is?” but of course your the only person without a watch or a phone

Apple thought people used too many candles (and a certain joke about four/fork handles had been done to death) and so Apple created a very expensive torch to help people locate these buttons, when a cheap little torch costing no more than £10 can help you find the button at a fraction of the cost. Banks also started giving away free contactless ATM cards and again people spent hundred of pounds to screw about with their phone and make it use contactless mode when you could have just used your free ATM contactless card all along. Some people continue to only use iPhones as a torch and their ATM card. A number of people spend the rest of their time watching cat videos, but secretly they just need a torch and are in denial, as they can never remember the difference between an A, AA or C batteries, it’s just easier for them to use an iPhone.

A small number of iPhone users try to use their phone for everything, including annoyingly trying to watch an event on their screen, when the recording quality will be terrible and they could see the action better if only they use their eyes like their parents used to do, but teenagers always think they know best. They always hold their phone the wrong way up and never remember next time, you know what teenagers are like!

The British Government concerned by the amount of unanswered doors created “D Day” on 15 February 1971, while claiming to be the day the UK changed to decimal money, secretly “D Day” actually meant “Doorbell Day” and the postman delivered this helpful booklet about how to get everyone to stop knocking on a door or use doorknocker – from 15 February 1971 everyone had to start using doorbell buttons instead.

Some old people carried on knocking on the door but you were legally obliged by the UK Government to give a spare key to parents and grandparents who were not ready to convert to “D Day” despite the years of warning from the Government. They would mutter their age and people not needing to lock their doors in their day, but most people started to ignore them

Because so many people were getting extra keys cut, the Government had to ration keys given to key cutting companies, forcing the Government to issue plant pots to every household in the UK. Everyone had to keep that rationed single spare key under the plant pot and not tell their neighbours, but eventually everyone worked out that everyone had a spare key under that plant pot

In around 2018, in an effort to make money this company, and to make parents and grandparents feel they were losing their marbles, sold little combination boxes because people forgot to look after those damn plants and they had all died. Every combination box had too many numbers for your average parent or grandparent to remember. Everyone blamed the water company about their sprinkler ban, but there was no ban and really everyone just didn’t care about the plants as they made most people sneeze anyway and that women next door kept watering it every day and managed to kill hers too, give it water, don’t give it water – they all died

Everyone hated the plants because they only came in green and they all looked the same, there was a little label on the side with a colour but nobody realised at the time that would be the colour of the flowers it would make. You had to look after it for it to flower though

Eventually people everyone got used to just using the doorbell

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